Dear Lizzy,
What is the expected tip on a free drink when you are friends with the bartender?
A close friend who is a bartender got a new job where he can comp drinks and has given me very generous deals. I’ve felt really stressed about what is a good tip. I’ve read you tip the price of the comped drink, but that feels like rejecting the comp and I don’t want to offend him there. I’ve tried to tip generously on what the full bill would have been, such as 40 percent, but it’s hard to know what it would have been sometimes.
The idea of communicating via money deeply stresses me out and I don’t want to communicate my appreciation of a friend through money. I want to just do something that is good and warm and better than standard but not extravagant or weird. I have family issues with people who use money to have power over people so I know how that can be weird. And that history can make it hard for me to accept favors. I’m going there to see my friend and support him.
Recently I took a friend and he also comped her drink. This friend has a pattern of stingy behavior, I once saw her tip $1, and I didn’t think of this. She left an appalling tip, one so poor that my friend’s coworker asked him why he was comping drinks for people who were stiffing them and hurting both of them since they share tips. Worse, the coworker told my friend we both did this. We’ve cleared up the misunderstanding, but now I’m deeply stressed about knowing what is a good tip as this entire thing is basically plucked from my literal nightmares. Thanks for your help!
Nightmares About The Gift
Dear Nightmares About The Gift,
Oh no! I am sure your friend doesn’t want you to feel this much anxiety about something nice they are doing for you! Take a deep breath, because I promise it’s going to be OK.
First, I am going to take from several clues in your letter that these drinks are part of a larger order, which includes food, and the drinks are free but not the food. Honestly, it doesn’t matter if I am wrong, because the rule, in my humble opinion, is the same either way – add the drinks to the total and tip 20% (to 25% if you want) on that amount.
There’s no need to get fancy or tip the full amount of the drink. Just tip like you would if the drink was on the bill! If you’re standing at the bar and the drink is $10, put down two ones. If you’re sitting at a table, do the math (you can round, it’s OK) and add it to the bill.
And finally: Accept the gift in the manner it is given. Your friend is trying to do something nice for you, not punish you! If this is stressing you out so much, maybe stop frequenting this establishment. You can go occasionally, but really, to support your friend you don’t have to go every week or even every month. Invite your friend out for drinks on their night off and buy them a drink! This might help assuage your guilt (which I absolve you of if that helps, because there’s nothing to feel guilty about here) and will also be nice for your friend who probably would much rather see you outside of work than in.
Good luck!
Lizzy
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